$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
