I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
