I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
