you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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