The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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