OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
