So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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