people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
