Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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