found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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