Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
