Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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