I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I deserve this hangover.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
