Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize