someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
