Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize