Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
