yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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