I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
