6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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