I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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