Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
