she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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