The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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