we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
