Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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