Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
