New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
