I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
