I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
