saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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