I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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