I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
