Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
