I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drake has all the answers
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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