Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I smell like Dick and happiness
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