my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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