Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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