omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
