just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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