i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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