..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
