If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
