It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize