I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
