and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
