They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
