I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
