I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
