Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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