The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
