woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
