i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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