ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
