guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
