Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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