I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
