I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
