and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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