I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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