you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
