My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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