I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
