i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Operation Purity has been aborted
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Still dying that you shit outside
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
