Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
