We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
