Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
