Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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