she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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