At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
