I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
